Cauliflower Pizza Crust

Hello folks!  Welcome to another edition of Cooking With Sharmeela!  Today I am featuring another delicious, healthy recipe for all you diet freaks out there.....and all the rest of you freaks too (I'm all about inclusion).  Get ready, because we're making: drdrdrdrdrdrrrdrddrdrdr (how do you type a drum-roll sound??) Cauliflower Pizza Crust!!!  Woooo Hoooo!  Okay, let's be real for a sec, pizza is a food of the Gods and changing it in any way is just plain stupid.  However, we are trying to stuff our faces, guilt-free, so we must make sacrifices!  Let's get started:

First thing I did was realize the cauliflower I bought the other day was moldy (I procrastinated too long), so I had to get all bundled up and go to the store:

Dude it's freezing today!  Thanks Elsa for my lovely new scarf.  Okay, got the cauliflower:

Alrighty, first thing we do is put our pizza stone in the oven (I'm sure you could do this without a pizza stone, if necessary) and preheat to 450 degrees:

That picture is atrocious.  You might as well preheat your oven to 888.  Whatever!  Now we spray baking spray on a large piece of parchment paper and set it aside for later (the suspense is killing you!):

Here are our ingredients:

We've got a medium cauliflower, an egg, finely shredded mozzarella, finely shredded parmesan, a clove of garlic-chopped (I didn't have any, so I used garlic powder) and salt.  We also need some equipment:

I've got my mom's Cuisinart from ancient times, a microwave safe bowl and a thin, clean (duh!) dish cloth.  Set all this crap aside and we're going to chop our cauliflower.
First wash your cauliflower and then take all the leaves and stems off the back, we don't want that stuff:

Now let's chop!

I chopped into chunks and put into the food processor:

I only did half at a time.  Now let's pulse!

This is after about 20-30 seconds.  Now dump this into your microwave-safe bowl.

Now go back and follow the same steps with the other half and add it to the bowl.  It should look like cottage cheese (try not to puke).  Now we cover our bowl with microwave safe plastic wrap.

Did you ever see Fried Green Tomatoes where Kathy Bates answers the door wearing nothing but seran wrap?  Oh, you haven't.  Well I found a picture (I think Google has replaced my brain...that didn't even make sense):

Anyway, now we nuke the cauliflower for 4 minutes on high.

I retook this picture 5 times and it still sucks!  Be very careful when removing it from the microwave, as four minutes is enough to singe off your fingerprints (which, if you're planning some sort of bank heist, might work for you).  I carefully peeled back the wrap letting the steam escape:

Now remove the plastic wrap (carefully!) and put the cauliflower on the dish towel (or tea towel, for you fancy folk).

Now let this cool for awhile.  Don't be impatient, WALK AWAY!  When it's cool to the touch, wrap the cauliflower in the towel and squeeze all the liquid out into the sink.  **WARNING**  I forgot to take a picture of this step, but you can do it!  Believe in yourself!  When you think you've got it all, squeeze some more because I guarantee you haven't!  Once your hands turn purple, you may stop.  Now put the cauliflower back into the bowl.

It's so firm now!  This is a perfect example of why we're on a diet, so someday a cute guy (or girl) will grab your butt and say those exact words.  Stick with it!
Add 1/4 cup of mozzarella:

Add 1/4 cup parmesan:

Add 1 egg:

Ohhh action shot!  Scorsese would be proud.  Now the garlic powder (or in your case a chopped garlic clove):

And finally, a pinch of salt:

Here's what it all looks like in our bowl:

I changed my mind and decided to use my hands:

Check out our dough!  It actually looks edible and not like chicken feed!  Now we grab our sprayed parchment paper and plop the cauliflower on it and form a thin, flat disk:

Make sure it's relatively thin and even.  Now let's remove our pizza stone from the oven and gently place the dough (with parchment paper) on top.  I trimmed my parchment paper a little:

Now into the oven for 10-12 minutes, until the center starts to become golden:

My edges got brown too:

Now comes the fun part: toppings!  I didn't have a lot on hand, but here's what I used:

I used regular jarred tomato sauce (sauce snobs can shut their faces...today it's all about the crust), mozzarella and parmesan, a tomato, red onion and salami (I had no pepperoni).  Then I sliced:

Let's party!  First the sauce:

Then the cheese and toppings:

Now let's bake for another 7-8 minutes and ta-da!

Let cool, then slice:

So, this was my first time ever making this crust and I have to say, it wasn't nearly as complicated as it looks.  It actually was quite easy.  I know what you're really wondering, how does it taste???  The taste of the pizza was really delish, but the texture was a little off.  My pizza crust was quite soft, I even tried pan-frying it and it was still on the soft side.  I might not have squeezed enough liquid out or maybe that's just how it is.  Either way, I'm not looking to reinvent the wheel or anything, I just wanted a way to eat pizza that didn't make me wanna vomit when looking into the mirror afterwards.  And problem solved because my family ate the entire thing and none of us felt guilty at all!  Mission accomplished!
Thank you for joining me on this episode of Cooking With Sharmeela!  Join me next week when I'll have eaten so many vegetables that my skin will either turn orange like an Oompa Loompa or green like Mike Wazowski (I purposely picked two creatures most resembling my own body type).